Bummer...(warning, you you might get extremely bored)

When I was really, really young my grandfather (R.I.P., see below post) taught me to say "I can do anything if I am positive." He was so proud of the wisdom he instilled in his grandson, so full of promise and potential, that when company would come over he would have me recite to them the saying while he would smile with his head held high.

For him, I'm sure, that was a great time. I was so young and had my whole life in front of me. Who knew what I might do? I might go to law school and become a lawyer or a politician or I might end up a bigwig wall street type with a fancy suite and luxury car. There was no telling what great things I, carrying his namesake, would accomplish down the road. One thing was for certain, he had taught me the power of positive thinking and with that on my side nothing could deter me from my destined greatness!

Now lets fast forward about 25 or 26 years.

The same toe-headed, rosy cheeked toddler has grown up and now stands and watches as two strangers seal an urn containing his grandfather's ashes into a rock to be forever placed near a gorgeous yet artificial waterfall under the Southern California sun.

To be honest I don't remember exactly what was going through my head as I witnessed this conspicuously insincere "ceremony" take place but my overall mood of the day will be cemented in my brain until long after my heart stops beating. In fact, almost a month later, that mood has rarely left me. I can't shake this sense of uncertainty. Have I lived up to his expectations? Is he proud of or disappointed in me? Have I accomplished what he wanted me to? And most importantly: do I deserve to carry on his name?

I guess these might be questions that everyone asks themselves after experiencing a loss like this but I really can't seem to come to any sort of conclusion, I can't help but feel unsettled and maybe a little scared of what the answers might be.

There is no doubt that I have become somewhat cynical in recent years but I think a moderate amount of cynicism is healthy. But have I become too much so? When I sit back and analyze myself I really cannot get a straight sense of whether or not I am a pessimist, realist, or optimist. How can someone seriously have no idea of the kind of person they are at their core? I mean usually one should have at the very least a vague sense of their outlook on the world, even if its subconscious, right? I really cannot get any gauge on myself, however, and it is starting to worry me. Am I avoiding the truth of the matter which leads me to uncertainty? I hope not.

Anyway, I apologize for the introspection and sappy content of this post. It happens I guess.